Family Violence

(exert from Baptcare Defining Family Violence)

Family violence is any threatening, coercive, dominating or abusive behavior that occurs between people in a family, domestic or intimate relationship, or former intimate relationship, that causes the person experiencing the behavior to feel fear.

Family violence is not an argument once in a while, it is a continuous pattern of abusive behavior perpetrated by one person towards another, often using multiple tactics.

Family violence is not just physical or sexual abuse. It can include many types of abuse all of which are unhealthy and harmful.

Coercion and Threats:

Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt the person.  Threatening to leave, commit suicide or report them to welfare.  Making them drop charges.  Making them do illegal things.

Intimidation:

Making the person afraid by using looks, actions and gestures.   Smashing things.  Destroying their property.  Abusing Pets. Displaying weapons.

Emotional Abuse:

Putting the person down.  Making them feel bad about themselves.  Calling them names.  Making the person think they are crazy.  Playing mind games.  Humiliating them.  Making them feel guilty.

Isolation:

Controlling what the person does, who they see and talk to, what they read and where they go.  Limiting their outside involvement.  Using jealousy to justify actions.

Minimising, denying and blaming:

Making light of the abuse and not taking concerns about it seriously.   Saying the abuse didn’t happen.  Shifting responsibility for abusive behavior.  Saying the person caused it.

Using Children:

Making the person feel guilty about the children.  Using the children to relay messages.  Using visitation to harass.  Threatening to take the children away.

Male Privilege:

Treating the person like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like the “master of the castle”, being the one to define men’s and women’s roles.

Economic and financial abuse:

Preventing the person from getting or keeping a job.  Making them ask for money.  Giving them an allowance, taking their money.   Not letting them know or have access to family income.

What behaviors might constitute Abuse?

(Exert from Baptcare Understanding Family Violence)

Controlling Behaviors:

Controlling behavior is how an abusive person gains and maintains power over someone else. Controlling behavior usually starts slowly and isn’t always obvious. The abuser may try to justify their actions by saying they are just concerned for the victim or care about them too much. Controlling behavior tends to become more overt and aggressive over time.

82% of women assessed by safe steps between 2016-17 had experienced controlling

behaviors from their partner or perpetrator.

Some examples of controlling behavior are when someone…

• Insists on knowing where you are and who you are with all the time or won’t let you go out without them. If you do, they become angry or sullen
• Won’t let you see certain people, like extended family or friends, or discourages you from seeing them. This is called ‘isolating’
• Calls you excessively to see where you are or makes you prove where you are
• Goes through your text messages or social media to see who you’ve been talking to and what you’ve said
• Tells you what you can or can’t wear
• Stalks you or tracks you using any kind of technology
• Hitting, punching, kicking, shoving, throwing, scratching, starving, ripping clothes, shaking, burning, pulling hair, slapping, choking, pushing downstairs, smacking in the face, forced drug taking, spitting, biting, breaking bones, strangling, scalding, knifing, twisting limbs, suffocating with a pillow, burning, keeping locked up, denying sleep, shooting, attempted murder, and for some sadly murder.

Sexual Abuse:

Sexual abuse is any forced or coerced sexual activity by one person to exert power and control over

another. An individual act of sexual abuse is called a sexual assault. Perpetrators of sexual assaults are

not just strangers, in fact, sexual assaults most commonly happen between people who know each other.

28% of women assessed by safe steps between 2016-17 reported that they had been

sexually assaulted by the perpetrator.

Examples of sexual abuse….

• Rape – any sexual activity with someone who has not given consent
• Not stopping sex if the person you are having sex with has asked you to stop
• Sexual contact when the other person is unable to consent, perhaps because they are drunk or unconscious
• Pressuring or coercing someone into having sex or performing sexual acts
• Not using protection when the other person wants to do so
• Deliberately causing unwanted pain during sex, unwanted rough or violent sexual activity
• Unwanted exposure to pornography
• Sharing sexual photos, videos, or messages of someone without their consent

Impacts of sexual abuse

Different people react differently to sexual abuse. Shock and denial are common initial reactions. Victim survivors may also feel guilty, blame themselves for what happened or try to minimise their experience by telling themselves it wasn’t that bad. These are normal reactions, but it is important to remember that what happened is in no way the fault of the victim-survivor. Responsibility for sexual abuse lies solely with the perpetrator.

The long-term impacts of sexual abuse can include ongoing mental health issues such as depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder, mood swings, nightmares and flashbacks, low self-esteem and physical symptoms like migraines and changes to appetite leading to weight loss or gain.

Emotional/Mental Abuse:

Emotional abuse is any act intended to undermine someone’s self-esteem, intimidate them, or isolate them.

Some examples of emotional/mental abuse are when someone…

• Puts you down all the time or criticises you, calls you names, makes you feel like you’re not good enough or can’t do anything right
• Blames you for problems in the relationship
• Yells or swears at you
• Ignores you
• Makes you feel guilty if you don’t do what they want
• Embarrasses you in front of other people
• Threatens to harm or kill themselves so you do what they want

Impacts of emotional/mental abuse:

Emotional abuse can have significant impacts on a person’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth. Often individuals who experience emotional abuse say that they started believing what the perpetrator was telling them – that they weren’t good enough, or that problems in the relationship were all their fault. Many victims of emotional abuse report feeling like they were constantly ‘walking on eggshells’ or that they started trying to change themselves or their behaviour to make the perpetrator happy, but nothing was even enough to stop the abuse.

Feelings of shame, guilt, unworthiness, and powerlessness can often result from emotional abuse, as can mental health concerns like depression, anxiety, emotional instability, substance abuse and suicidal thoughts. In some emotional abuse situations, the victim may become more dependent on the perpetrator, even defending their actions to others, or denying anything is wrong in the relationship.

Psychological Abuse:

In the context of family violence, psychological abuse is when someone makes you or other people question your sanity or recollection of reality through manipulation and lying. Psychological abuse and emotional abuse often occur in tandem, and emotional abuse can have psychological impacts (like causing depression and anxiety), but psychological abuse is slightly different to emotional abuse.

Some examples of psychological abuse are when someone…

• Makes you doubt your own recollections or tells you things didn’t happen when they did (this is sometimes called gaslighting)
• Tells you that you are crazy or have mental health concerns
• Tells you that you are imagining or over-exaggerating their abusive behavior
• Tells you or other people – including friends, police, doctors, counsellors, or legal professionals – that you are the one being abusive towards them when you are not, or you are just defending yourself in response to their abuse or manipulating behavior (this is sometimes called victim-playing)
• Telling other people – including friends, police, doctors, counsellors, or legal professionals – that you are unstable, have mental health problems or substance abuse problems when you don’t

Impacts of psychological abuse

Long-term psychological abuse can leave a person feeling totally unsure of their own sanity and perception of reality – individuals who experience psychological abuse often think that they are misremembering events or start thinking that they are ‘going crazy’. In other cases, psychological abuse can lead to emotional instability, anger or aggression born out of a frustration at being accused of something you didn’t do.

If the person experiencing family violence is incorrectly misidentified as the perpetrator by police, counsellors, or other support service providers it can have significant emotional and practical impacts. In extreme cases the person experiencing the abuse may be unfairly served an intervention order or have access to their children limited or removed.

Financial Abuse:

Financial abuse (also known as economic abuse) is when one person uses money or finances to gain power over and control someone else, or unreasonably impacts their financial autonomy.

Up to 90% of women affected by family violence experience financial abuse.

Some examples of financial abuse are when someone…

• Controls access to finances, won’t let you access bank accounts or credit cards
• Expects you to pay for bills, groceries and other necessities but gives you little or no money to cover those costs
• Forbids you from working or deliberately sabotages your ability to get or hold down a job
• Refuses to work or contribute to family expenses
• Takes your pay or your Centrelink benefits
• Takes out loans or accrues debt in your name
• Files false insurance claims or Centrelink benefits under your name
• Doesn’t include you in significant investment or banking decisions
• Refuses to pay or evades child support
• Hides assets
• Incurs fines or infringements in your name then expects you to pay them

Impact of financial abuse

Having no or limited access to money can make it much harder for someone experiencing abuse to leave a violent relationship. Often limited funds, existing debt and poor credit can make it difficult to obtain rental housing and pay for other expenses like bills, groceries, and school fees. The genuine possibility of becoming homeless if they leave an abuser can drive many women to stay in or return to violent relationships.

Those who do leave may still struggle because poor credit scores, debt and sporadic employment histories can make it difficult to regain financial independence and long-term security.

Physical Abuse:

Physical abuse is the intentional unwanted use of physical force to cause fear or harm. Sometimes physically abusive behaviour does not cause injury or pain, but it’s still abusive.

83% of women assessed by safe steps between 2016-17 had been harmed or threatened

with harm. 52% had been choked.

Examples of physical abuse can be …

Pushing, shoving, slapping, scratching, biting, kicking, or hair pulling

Maiming someone

Restraining (e.g., pinning someone against a wall or bed)

Choking, strangling, or shaking

Throwing objects

Threatening with a weapon

Hurting children or pets

Sleep and food deprivation

Driving recklessly

Impacts of physical abuse

Physical abuse can have both immediate and long-term effects. Immediate physical effects will depend on the severity of the assault, ranging from bruising and abrasions to broken bones, internal bleeding, head injuries, permanent disability, and death. But non-life-threatening physical abuse can still have devastating long term impacts that can be psychological – post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, suicidal behaviour, substance abuse – and physical – arthritis, migraines, and chronic pain.

Pregnant women are more likely to experience physical abuse and may suffer poor weight gain, premature labour, or miscarriage as a result.

For more info please see://www.safesteps.org.au

A Repeating Pattern?

Family Violence is often explained in terms of a “cycle of violence” which argues that people who grow up in violent families will repeat the patterns in adult relationships: men as perpetrators, women as victims. Much professional intervention is based on this theory, or variations of this theory.

Available research is contradictory and does not prove a “cycle of violence” theory. Critiques of current sociological and psychological research can be found in the chapter written by Morley and Mullender,

“Domestic Violence and Children: What Do We Know from Research?” in “Children Living with Domestic Violence”, Mullender and Morley (eds), Whiting and Birch, 1996 and in Widom 1990. Geneticists and other scientists also disagree with each other about what causes violence.

Some of the problems of relying on a “cycle of violence” theory are noted here:

• it allows abusers to blame someone else for their violence – their parents – instead of taking responsibility for their own behavior. Most abusers do this, which is why so much of the research ‘proves’ the theory.
• it denies and ignores the experiences of so many adults, both men and women who, having witnessed domestic violence, are utterly determined never to let violence be part of their lives and do not use or condone it.
• nobody has ever, to our knowledge, conducted research tracking a large and representative cross-section of child witnesses of family violence into adulthood to see what proportions of child witnesses do grow up to use or experience violence. Instead, much of the research is carried out with adults who are known to be violent. Even if all of them (say that they) have witnessed violence as children, this only demonstrates a correlation, not a causal link.
• the theory denies the individuality of each developing child and their potential to learn from their experiences.
• it ignores the possibility of changing behavior.
• if you only offer support to children who have experienced domestic violence on the basis that they are potential abusers, it gives them (and their mothers) the message that only abusers get help.
• if you demonstrate to a child that you believe the theory, e.g., “you are going to be just like your dad” you are giving them a great excuse to use it.
• if you assume aggressive/loud behavior is a sign of children fulfilling the theory you may be failing to identify possible child abuse – some people can and do use aggression as a way of expressing how angry and hurt they are about abuse.

When a child is displaying aggressive behavior towards people and objects, it may be caused by any of these:

• anger at dad for hurting mum
• anger at having to live in the refuge or other temporary accommodation
• anger because of missing dad/own room/friends/dog, etc.
• a bad mood
• clinical depression
• he/she has been abused and doesn’t know who to tell or how
• a poor diet (e.g., like too much sugar)

These reasons are not justifications for a child using or threatening violence, any more than an adult has the right to use excuses like these for hurting someone. Obviously, it is vital that antisocial behavior is challenged but it is also vital that we keep an open mind about what causes such behavior in order that we can respond appropriately.

In conclusion, research indicates that childhood experiences of violence may increase the risk of becoming a violent adult but that the process is neither direct nor certain. There is some evidence to show that many children who survive a violent childhood grow into loving and socially productive adults. If we continue to focus on a cycle of violence to provide a (very simplistic) explanation for domestic violence, we ignore the complexity of different influences on our lives. As noted by Morley and Mullender:

“This focus on childhood may amount to a negation of men’s responsibility for their actions and of the social context of gender and generational politics which underpin.